Ted (2012)

Mark Whalberg, Mila Kunis, and the title character

"Ted" is the kind of film you’d be happy to find on cable if you were home sick from work, or snowed in. It’s amiable and good-natured, with a pleasant, good-looking cast. It’s formulaic, mostly predictable, and aimed at the same frat-boy set that’s made director Seth MacFarlane’s TV shows (Family Guy, American Dad, etc…) terribly popular, sure. But it’s also entertaining, well paced, has a clever, satirical edge, and many genuine laughs. It’s happily raunchy, and has its heart in the right place.

Mark Wahlberg plays John Bennett, a middle-class guy from the Boston suburbs, who didn’t have lots of friends as a kid. An eight-year old John receives a stuffed teddy bear from his parents, for Christmas. His eyes light up, and his smile grows wide. It’s the perfect gift. Instantly he bonds with his new toy. “I’m gonna call him Ted,” John says. The two become inseparable.

One night John wishes that the bear were actually alive, so the two could literally be best friends. He’s lonely, and scared of thunder, wanting more than an inanimate object for company. Wouldn’t you know it, a shooting star happens to fly over John’s house at just the right moment. Guess what happens next. 

This isn’t one of those films where only the main character can see the toy’s incredible abilities. The following morning, John proudly displays Ted’s newfound walking and talking skills to his parents. They’re horrified. But soon, everyone comes to accept that, sure, why couldn’t a teddy bear just magically to come to life (if you’ve considered seeing this film in the first place, you probably won’t have too much trouble suspending your disbelief).

Ted becomes an instant media sensation, appearing on magazine covers and television talk shows. He’s stopped on the street for pictures and autographs. However, even with all his fame, Ted is first and foremost the faithful companion to his best-pal John.

But what would happen to John and Ted as the years pass? As adults, we outgrow most of our favorite childhood toys, right?

Like too many child celebrities before him, Ted is emotionally ill equipped to handle his meteoric rise. When his 15 minutes fade, he winds up a foul-mouthed approximation of 80s TV puppet Alf. Voiced by MacFarlane (in an accurate Boston accent), Ted is a constant stream of one-liners, and vulgar observations.

Twenty-seven years pass. Both grown up, John and Ted are now bros, smoking bongs on the couch over breakfast, watching Spongebob, infatuated with the campy 1980 film Flash Gordon, laughing at each other’s inside jokes, and living together in an improbably upscale Back Bay apartment, with John’s improbably attractive girlfriend Lori (Mila Kunis). The passage of time hasn’t changed the fact that they’re still best friends.

John works at a local car rental office. His is a menial job he says he’s OK with, but which we see is probably not going to lead anyplace meaningful. Which is in stark contrast with Lori’s work at a corporate PR firm, where she fends off the constant advances of her lecherous boss (Joel McHale). In the game of life, she’s already well ahead of John, and still accelerating.

Though unimaginably patient and understanding, and able to overlook most of John's (and Ted’s) faults, the current arrangement with Ted isn’t entirely comfortable for her. She realizes three’s becoming a crowd. Lori needs John to mature, and stop living the fun-loving, libertine lifestyle he’s created with Ted. Fiercely loyal to Ted, and grateful for his decades of friendship, John’s conflicted. He can’t simply turn his back on his boyhood pal. What to do?

One of the film’s major themes, a question it returns to repeatedly, is asking what it means to grow up. Can a 35-year old, who spends most of his time clowning with a wise-cracking teddy bear, be a man? Or is he simply an older, taller, still-irresponsible boy?

The movie has other minor characters. Seinfeld’s Patrick Warburton is over-the-top, as John’s sexually-confused co-worker. Giovanni Ribisi stars as a maladjusted townie, obsessed with acquiring the talking bear for his overweight son. There’s a running joke about actor Tom Skerritt. Patrick Stewart provides narration. 

Ultimately, however, this film is about its three main characters. Wahlberg shows surprising vulnerability, in a character which could have been boilerplate. Kunis is patient and sympathetic, as his put-upon girlfriend. Ted is simply inappropriately funny.

How will John reconcile his need to be a responsible, evolving boyfriend to Lori, with his desire to stay out late drinking and chasing skirt with Ted?

“Ted” plays out through a series of events that are improbable, but entertaining, just the same. Though many jokes miss, like the “Airplane” films, there are so many that more than a few are very funny. Often we can see where the movie’s is headed, but are fine watching it get there, because its characters are likeable, and well-intentioned. It parodies more earnest films, which lack its sharp insight and self-awareness. "Ted" recalls lewd-but-basically-harmless films from the 80s, which had salty language and nudity aplenty, but lacked cynicism and malice. Despite off-color humor about hookers, cocaine, and bukkake, the film's message is even kinda old fashioned. It’s certainly not one of the best movies of the year, but there are worse ways to spend a couple hours on your couch.