Hit and Run (2012)

Watching the Netflix movie “Hit and Run,” I faced a dilemma. At about the 70-minute mark, finding myself only marginally entertained, I began glancing at the clock. I’d already had several “This is gonna get better, right?” questions inside my head. Then it occurred to me that last mail pick-up was in half an hour. I reasoned that if I returned it today, I’d have a new disc day after tomorrow. If I finish it, it won’t make the post til tomorrow But there’s still half an hour left in the film.” What do do? 

“Hit and Run” isn’t bad. It just isn’t all that good, either.

Real-life husband and wife Dax Shepherd and Kristen Bell play Charlie Bronson (a name dictated by the plot) and Annie Bean. She’s got a PhD from Stanford, in conflict resolution (really?), but now teaches at a small, back-water college “500 miles from LA.” He’s in the witness protection program, having seen a crime, and testified against the perpetrators.

They’re affectionate, and clearly quite fond of each other. Unfortunately, they’re also given to bouts of cuteness, exemplified by quasi-introspective conversations about respective patterns of speech, the shared future of their relationship, and who they hope they’ll become once they get there. The back-and-forth is supposed to be mildly insightful, evidence of mutual caring, compassion, smarts, and desire to improve their lives together. Instead, it transparently comes off mostly as proof of the writer’s overly-clever contrivance.

Annie’s former boyfriend Gil (Michael Rosenbaum) still carries a torch, and is hysterically suspicious of Charlie. Via his cop brother, Gil discovers Charlie’s car (the third, and perhaps main, star of the film, a thoroughly restored 1967, 700-hp, shiny, black Continental) is registered to “Yul Perkins.” Which (of course!) is Charlie’s real name.

With that info, Gil uses his laptop to not only discover why Charlie’s in witness protection, but then also uncover the names of the criminals against whom Charlie testified. Predictably, he uses Facebook (because most underworld figures find it useful to maintain a high-profile online presence) to contact the heavy, a dreadlocked-and-dubiously-named Alex Dmitri (Bradley Cooper). Somehow Gil’s figured it that he can at once protect and win Annie back, as well as get Charlie out of the picture, with the help of social media.

There are a few other characters mixed in as well, though they’re hardly worth mention. Tom Arnold plays Randy, a poor caricature of the bumbling-idiot archetype. He’s a US marshal, tasked with keeping tabs on Charlie. His Keystone-Cops role consists mainly of spilling coffee on his shirt, crashing his car through fences, and accidently discharging his weapon repeatedly.

Gil’s brother Terry is a stereotyped gay policeman. Mostly he’s on his smart-phone app “Pouncer,” (a clone of Grindr), apparently a GPS tool used by gay men to solicit anonymous sex (if the film’s to be believed). 

Kristen Chenoweth plays Debbie, Annie’s boss. She’s supposed to be a woman who’s world-weary and insightful, encouraging Annie to pursue the good life she never had. In practice she does little more than advertise her pharmacological dependence, and quip off-color would-be comedic lines. Lines that no reasonable woman would never, ever (in a million years!) imagine, much less show the poor judgment of speaking out loud. 

So Charlie and Annie are on the run for LA, with Gil, Alex, and Randy in hot pursuit.

At this point you know both the nuts-and-bolts of the plot, as well as where I began to start wondering whether finishing the film was worth the effort.

Perhaps it’s unethical for a reviewer to cut out early, only later presume to write something about a film s/he didn’t even finish?

On the other hand, maybe it says all you need to know about “Hit and Run” that I even considered it?

Weighing all the evidence, I decided mailing it back early was the best course of action. Next in my queue is a the well-reviewed documentary “Searching for Sugar Man.”

I’m pretty sure I made the right choice.